I believe that it is every lady’s dream to be found by the man of their dreams, get married and start a family together. I remember as a child while playing with my siblings, I would pretend to be their mother. While I was a teenager, I joined a drama group and I always enjoyed it when I get to play the role of a wife or mother; it was one of my favourite roles. I guess I’m about to play this role in reality.
I got married a month ago. Today, I celebrate my first month as a wife. The journey has been an interesting one. At first, it felt more like a movie or another one of my drama roles. But slowly, it’s becoming a reality for me. As a spinster, I would always study the ‘Proverbs 31’ kind of woman. It felt so perfect! I would imagine being that kind of woman. But I must confess, it’s a lot of work.
I started all good, trying to keep up with the pace and speed at which everything around me was changing. And then, suddenly it became exhausting. I knew then that if I relied on my strength alone, I would break down.
My husband has been very supportive of me in every way. He somehow makes it easy for me to be his wife but I discovered that Jesus makes it easier and so I relied on Jesus and he gave me the grace to be a wife.
For about four years, I have been learning about being a wife and here it is. The opportunity has come for me and I must say, I’m still learning about it. There is always something new to learn about. Let me give you a quick back story…
BACK STORY
About five years ago, I found out from the Holy Spirit, the year I was going to get married. He told me I would be getting married in five years and when I calculated the year, it fell on 2023. Judging by how I wanted to be a wife so badly, I felt like it was too far. But the truth was that I wasn’t ready at that time. I knew nothing about who a wife is. The holy spirit guided me and through my friend, Prudy, the holy spirit first led me to meet my mentor, Mrs Doreen Omosele, popularly called TMA. I attended one of her relationship mentoring sessions tagged, ‘Getting it Right in Relationship’. I’m not sure Prudy even knows about this but I knew about this mentorship program via her Whatsapp post. From that moment on, I decided to learn under TMA.
I attended several seminars and read a few books that taught me about doing relationships the right way and being a good wife. I also registered for a 3-months mentorship program with Pastor Funke Obadje tagged, ‘REFINED’. I attended that program twice; in 2020 and 2021. I didn’t know my driving force to do all of these but I knew I needed to prepare myself and I was intentional about it.
I remember how I borrowed a book from my friend, while I was doing my youth service. The title of that book is, ‘Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married’. It was written by Gary Chapman. After reading that book, I went on to read about the five love languages and also about our different temperaments. Even up to the day of my engagement, I did not stop learning and preparing.
During this process, I was never worried about how the man whom I would complete will come. I just trusted God so much that I believed I would get married in 2023 no matter what. This realisation helped me a lot. After my youth service, it felt like all of my friends were getting married and I was the only single person left. I wasn’t worried because I knew that my time was different from theirs and so I celebrated and supported them the best way that I could. Although, I somehow felt alone because some conversations could no longer happen between my married friends and me. I wasn’t offended though. It was only natural that changes would occur. In those moments, the holy spirit kept on comforting and reassuring me that my turn would come. And indeed, it has.
During those years of preparation, I was already courting my husband and one day, I asked him when he would like to get married and he boldly said, “2023”. At first, I was having a few doubts about us but that statement felt like a confirmation from the holy spirit for me to wait and be patient. Today, we are married and it is our one-month anniversary.
THE JOURNEY SO FAR…
As I earlier said, the journey has been an interesting one. Adapting to a new lifestyle is amazing. It is kind of tough but amazing at the same time. I had to move from where I live in Warri, to my new home in Agbor. And that was kind of my first challenge. While courting, I used to visit my husband, who was my fiance and I also have family there so it didn’t feel so different for me. I always had this consciousness that it was just a visit and I will be back in my town in no time. But now, Agbor has become my home town. There is no going back to Warri, just visits and that is a big change for me.
There are some foods that I’m already used to that can’t be found in my new home town. Even up to my skin care products, I have to think of an alternative before I exhaust the ones I have.
I have to learn their Ika language because at this point, I can’t escape it and English is a second language in this town. And the weather is different from Warri. To me, Agbor is colder, especially during the rainy season and harmattan. I must confess, I’m allergic to colds. I’ve already gotten many warm clothes to help me fight the incoming cold because it’s going to be a constant battle between the weather and me.
My routine has completely changed. And it’s not a one-sided change. My husband’s routine has also changed. We have to adjust our routines to accommodate each other. I wonder how many more adjustments I have to make when we start having kids. We courted (dated) for six years, ten months and seven days. But I like to sum it up to seven years. I like the number, seven. I was born March 7th, got married April 7th, and courted for approximately 7 years. It sounds perfect to me.
Although my husband and I had a long courtship, after we got married, we started learning about ourselves all over again. I used to think that I knew everything about him but now, I know that learning never truly ends. I’m still learning to understand his allergies and he is also learning about mine. Especially about my skin, I can be very sensitive.
MAKING NEW FRIENDS: Yes or No?
Let’s skip to the part where I have to make new friends. Let me share this little secret with you all. Although I might have a Sanguine personality, making new friends can be tiring sometimes. I prefer to just maintain my old friendships even though we are all far from each other. It’s easier for me to maintain old relationships than to start new ones. But I’ll keep an open mind though.
NINE MONTHS SYNDROME
I think I need to learn how to deal with people’s expectations of me from my superiors (older Nigerian wives). It’s a normal culture in Nigeria for friends and family members to expect a call from newlyweds in exactly nine months, telling them about their newly born baby or babies. I call it the Nine Months Syndrome.
I feel a couple should be given the freedom to decide if they are ready for children immediately after their wedding or if they want to wait for a short while to prepare for their kids.
I’ve heard so many direct statements and side comments from people, talking about how they want a boy or girl to be my first child. Some even tell me that it is twins they want from my husband and me. It gets weirder each time. Sometimes, I can feel the eyes of my neighbours or even church members analysing the size of my abdomen. Everyone is just waiting to see a baby bump. Sincerely, it gets uncomfortable for me sometimes.
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Finally, I am now a wife and I don’t regret going through the process. In all, I’m grateful to God for the process. I hope you learnt a few lessons from this post. I will be sharing my love story in my next blog post.
Anticipate!
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Kendy Speaks 